WRITE? ... Right!

This morning at the gym (be impressed...3x a week!) I got inspiration (inspire=in/from Spirit/ my intuition) to "write". I always used to write diaries and journal my thoughts but from the beginning of this depressive downturn (crept up on me approx June 2013 in Australia), I haven't written anything, so I'm hoping today's inspiration to "write" will assist my recovery.

I'll do some paragraphs to break up the diatribe. Dad told me to write a dictate on peace and I started it once. After writing a bit about world peace I felt I was channelling wisdom and I got directed to focussing on inner peace.

This is what I am not connected to now. I am tormented by what some call their demons. I know it as my ego, my Earthbound anti-Christ attacking me at every point and on every level, creating negative thought patterns and FEAR. The big battle to deny me my soul's right to Love. Spiritual teachers have told me that as we progress along our path the ego will come out fighting.

Now this feels like I'm writing for an audience, i thought it was for me to simply express myself in my notebook but by explaining, even to myself, why I am see-sawing between giving up and thinking of suicide, to talking to myself and telling myself that is NOT the answer and telling myself I am a divine soul, part of a Source of Love, that some call God, and trying to experience the connection through meditation ( which I don't practise enough of)... So how do you expect to grow Jac if you know that meditating is a good way to feel the connection?! I'll resist from calling myself a twat as that would be coming from my ego trying to put me down again. My self-esteem is not at its best.

The only thing that comes from Source is Love. Everything else is ego Earthbound crap! Fear, negative, doubts, etc.

I feel better already putting pen to paper. This notebook was a birthday gift last October and I'm only just getting around to writing. Better late than never. It's a journey. I wanted to write fucking journey but my polite English upbringing jumped into my head and said, "You can't swear!" I didn't want to offend anyone reading this. Always caring about others, but as the point of this exercise is to express myself, I should ( bad word!) put down exactly what I'm thinking at the tie.

I watch lots of comedians on TV shows and they use the F word endlessly. I still don't like women using it as its unladylike, but at least they're free and creative and able to express themselves something I don't feel I have been good at in the past.

I'd love to be a comedian. In my poetry there is always humour and I was really confident at performing at poetry open mic nights after a great acting course . I was full of confidence! Proving to myself that I have experienced being confident on occasions.

I'm a gentle soul who was brought up being told to be quiet, behave in a certain way, etc. Girls boarding school from age 7. See I am writing for an audience. I know I went to fucking boarding school! Is it my need for approval? My need for love? I should blog!

Should? Who's telling me I should? Is that Love or ego? Fear's been stopping me from blogging. My daughter has suggested it on a few occasions.

The opposite of fear is Love, so it must be coming from Source. To blog! So here I am! My son suggested my ego wants an audience and that's why I want to blog. My purpose is to connect to like minded people in the hope that something I write might aid or inform someone else on their journey. At least give them something to think about! Even if only to know that someone else (me!) is going through living hell and how I am dealing with it. I want to say " not very successfully", but there are green shoots and this writing is one of them.

My son warned that I might get distracted from writing if I start blogging and Tweeting, but it may give me a focus. A purpose.